To be my Barbie was no easy task.
Since I was a wildly imaginative child with a penchant for dramatic plots and dinosaurs, when I played with dolls, it didn't look quite like the typical little girl's Barbie playtime. Whereas normal Barbies played dress-up and got their hair brushed and went to the mall, my Barbies were most often stark naked (or in the one outfit I could find for them), their hair was pulled up or braided (poorly), and they were usually in some kind of mortal peril.
As in many loving families, I had received my Barbies as hand-me-downs, from a cousin who undoubtedly used them the way most little girls did. But after I got ahold of them, things changed drastically in their little plastic worlds. Four of these Barbies I called by their actual brand names: Barbie, Kelly, Ken, and Ariel (from Disney's The Little Mermaid). The other two went by various aliases over time, but I believe their most constant names were Sabrina and Greg.
In one respect, I will admit, my games were much the same as the other little girls': Ken and Barbie were always meant to be together.
My family have always been big on movies. My father and I especially so. Legitimately 86% of my daily conversation is either centered around movies, the people who star in movies, or quotes from those movies. I recently tried to ban movies except on the weekends, failed miserably, and went back to watching a movie a day (since then, my overall mood has shown signficant improvement).
Since my love for movies was primarily a learned behavior, you can imagine that my father watched a lot of movies when I was a child. And he had no qualms about watching R-rated movies right along with the Disney ones.
I specifically remember being six years old, having just finished watching Thunderheart, one of the best movies of all time. I turned to my mother and asked her what the F-word meant.
There was also the time I was watching Conagher on TV with Mom, Dad, and Grandmother, at an age even younger than six. There is a part in that movie where Sam Elliott (as Conagher) has reached a particularly frustrating point in the plot. And at that heavy moment, his horse chooses to abandon him. The cowboy expresses his frustration with a couple of choice words.
As the channel cut to commercials, I very confusedly turned to my grandmother and asked quite innocently, "Where'd Dammit go?", thinking that Conagher's words were the horse's name. I have often thought that if I ever get horses, I might just name one of them something quite unorthodox...
But this blog post isn't about how I learned about cuss words. It's about my poor, innocent Barbies. We'll return to that subject by way of a brilliant transition.
I digressed to the discussion of movies so that you might understand Little Me's violent brain. The most exciting stories had bad guys and action! So of course those elements appeared in my rainy day entertainments for myself.
(I only ever played Barbies on rainy days. All other days I was outside. Mom stopped letting me take my Barbies outside after I covered Sabrina in mud and hung her by her hair from the swingset. I tried to explain that she was training for a special top secret mission, but that didn't seem to make the process of washing her any easier for my mother).
I think I have prepared you as much as I could for the next logical step of this blog post. Some of the following events are somewhat fictionalized, but I can assure you, my Barbies went through much worse scenarios than this.
Scene opens on a rainy Saturday morning. Barbie is sleeping late, as all grown-ups do. Kelly is up early, and decides she wants to spend the day in the attic, playing with all the dresses in her Great-Grandmother's old trunk. (Director places Kelly on a nearby desk, where the little sister will stay for most of today's story).
At last, Barbie awakes, gets dressed, and heads into the kitchen for some breakfast. (Director, being very thorough, actually goes through the motions of getting out pots and pans, placing them on a fake stove, and cooking something. Probably bacon. And oats).
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly, wake up, it's time for breakfast!
Kelly, playing in the attic, cannot hear Barbie's calls. So she does not answer. Besides, she has already had breakfast. She had Cheerios, with milk on top.
BARBIE: Kelly, I'm not kidding! It's time to get up!
Kelly is still playing in the attic, still can't hear Barbie, still doesn't answer, and is still full of Cheerios.
BARBIE: Kelly, if you don't get up by the time I count to three, I'm coming in to get you up myself! (This threat always works on Director, because it is usually followed up by tickling from Dad, and that is something to avoid at all costs). One!
Kelly plays on, blisfully unaware.
BARBIE: Two!
When Kelly still doesn't answer, Barbie puts down anything she might be (sort of) holding and starts to walk towards Kelly's bedroom. (Director tries multiple times to get Barbie's legs to move like she's walking without having her bend over backwards. When it doesn't work, Barbie starts to hop everywhere).
BARBIE: Three! I'm coming in, Kelly!
Barbie bursts into Kelly's bedroom and is shocked to find it empty! Standing in the middle of the room, she looks about confusedly before starting to look for her baby sister.
BARBIE: Don't play hide-and-seek right now, Kelly. It's time for breakfast. We'll play hide-and-seek later.
Barbie searches under the bed, behind the door, and in the closet (Director's best hiding places). But Kelly is nowhere to be found. Barbie starts to panic.
BARBIE: Kelly, this isn't funny! Come out right now and eat breakfast!
Barbie searches the rest of the house. She looks in closets, cabinets, behind all the doors, and even checks all the trees out back (Director used to have a brilliant plan to pretend to run away, but actually she would just sleep in one of the trees in the backyard. Director and Kelly have a lot in common, probably). She doesn't check the attic, though. Barbie doesn't think Kelly is tall enough to get to the attic (Director isn't. She wishes she was).
Now in a full-blown panic, Barbie checks the whole house again, running around like a whirlwind.
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly! Come out! Kelly! Come on! You won't be in trouble, just come out and eat breakfast!
Worried and unsure what to do next, Barbie calls her boyfriend, Ken (Director makes the dial tones, dialing, and ringing noises. I already told you she is thorough).
KEN: Hello?
BARBIE: Ken! It's Barbie! I can't find Kelly and I need you to come over right now.
KEN: Did you check behind the doors?
BARBIE: Yes! And I checked under the bed, and in the closet. I can't find her anywhere!
KEN: Okay, I'll be there in five minutes.
Ken lives next door, so it probably won't take him very long to get over there to help. But he just woke up and he is still in his pajamas (Director's Mom never lets her go out in her pajamas. This is obviously a law of the universe). Ken starts to change clothes.
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly!
Barbie is laying on the floor at this point, completely helpless (Director only has so many hands, and they are currently involved in putting Ken's jeans on, which are way too tight for him. So Barbie has to be dramatic for the sake of the storyline). Meanwhile, Kelly's still playing in the attic. (Director makes ringing noises again). Ken thinks it's Barbie.
KEN: Hello? Did you find her?
SABRINA: Find who? Hi, Ken.
KEN: Oh, hey, Sabrina. I was just talking to Barbie. She can't find Kelly, so I have to go help her. Can you call me back later?
SABRINA: That's awful! Poor Barbie! I was just calling because I was thinking about going to the mall later. You could come, too.
(Director always makes the girls she doesn't like go to the mall, so you know at this point that Sabrina is a bad guy).
KEN: Um...
Cut to Barbie.
BARBIE: (still lying on the floor) Kelly! Kelly! Come out now!
Cut back to phone conversation.
KEN: I don't know about that, Sabrina. I don't really like the mall. I need to go help Barbie, now.
SABRINA: Well, I'll call back later in case you change your mind.
KEN: Okay, bye!
SABRINA: See ya!
Ken hangs up and tries to find a tee shirt (At this point, the story is paused for several minutes while Director and Ken search in vain for a shirt. Eventually, Director puts one of Barbie's bigger, plainer dresses on him and stuffs the hem into his jeans so it looks kind of like a shirt). Finally, Ken is ready to eat some cereal (Director's Mom never lets her go out until she's eaten breakfast either. This is clearly another universal law).
While Ken eats, Barbie gets up off the floor and decides she should look outside again.
BARBIE: Maybe I should look outside again.
Barbie goes outside to look around. While she looks for Kelly behind the pile of firewood, she is suddenly grabbed from behind by a bad guy! (Director is using Greg for this purpose, but Greg hasn't actually made his character role appearance yet. At this point, he is only a henchman. His is a small criminal operation).
BARBIE: Hey, let me go!
HENCHMAN: Shut up, butthead!
(Director sniggers).
BARBIE: Stop it! Let me go!
Barbie is actually awesome, so she bites the henchman's arm and he lets go.
HENCHMAN: Auuuugggrrrrhhh!
Barbie turns around and aims a high kick at the henchman's face. Then she starts to run (well, hop) away quickly.
By now, Ken has finished his breakfast and is coming out on the front porch. While he stands there, immobile with shock (Director only has two hands), the henchman recovers from Barbie's kick and catches her from behind again. Although Barbie struggles, she can't get free. The henchman drags Barbie to the getaway car (it's a Barbie Jeep, but Director is pretending it's a big, clunky, gray van. She has the Hot Wheels version of what she wants to use, and she drives it beside the Jeep so everybody knows what the Jeep is supposed to look like).
Barbie is tied up and gagged at this point (the henchman is obviously very fast at these kinds of things), and can only kick her legs as the henchman drives away. (Barbie ALWAYS ends up kidnapped). Ken runs after the car, but can't catch them. Horrified, he goes into Barbie's house to try to find Kelly and to call the police.
(By now, Director's Mom is up, and Director has to go eat breakfast).
Since I was a wildly imaginative child with a penchant for dramatic plots and dinosaurs, when I played with dolls, it didn't look quite like the typical little girl's Barbie playtime. Whereas normal Barbies played dress-up and got their hair brushed and went to the mall, my Barbies were most often stark naked (or in the one outfit I could find for them), their hair was pulled up or braided (poorly), and they were usually in some kind of mortal peril.
As in many loving families, I had received my Barbies as hand-me-downs, from a cousin who undoubtedly used them the way most little girls did. But after I got ahold of them, things changed drastically in their little plastic worlds. Four of these Barbies I called by their actual brand names: Barbie, Kelly, Ken, and Ariel (from Disney's The Little Mermaid). The other two went by various aliases over time, but I believe their most constant names were Sabrina and Greg.
In one respect, I will admit, my games were much the same as the other little girls': Ken and Barbie were always meant to be together.
My family have always been big on movies. My father and I especially so. Legitimately 86% of my daily conversation is either centered around movies, the people who star in movies, or quotes from those movies. I recently tried to ban movies except on the weekends, failed miserably, and went back to watching a movie a day (since then, my overall mood has shown signficant improvement).
Since my love for movies was primarily a learned behavior, you can imagine that my father watched a lot of movies when I was a child. And he had no qualms about watching R-rated movies right along with the Disney ones.
I specifically remember being six years old, having just finished watching Thunderheart, one of the best movies of all time. I turned to my mother and asked her what the F-word meant.
There was also the time I was watching Conagher on TV with Mom, Dad, and Grandmother, at an age even younger than six. There is a part in that movie where Sam Elliott (as Conagher) has reached a particularly frustrating point in the plot. And at that heavy moment, his horse chooses to abandon him. The cowboy expresses his frustration with a couple of choice words.
As the channel cut to commercials, I very confusedly turned to my grandmother and asked quite innocently, "Where'd Dammit go?", thinking that Conagher's words were the horse's name. I have often thought that if I ever get horses, I might just name one of them something quite unorthodox...
But this blog post isn't about how I learned about cuss words. It's about my poor, innocent Barbies. We'll return to that subject by way of a brilliant transition.
I digressed to the discussion of movies so that you might understand Little Me's violent brain. The most exciting stories had bad guys and action! So of course those elements appeared in my rainy day entertainments for myself.
(I only ever played Barbies on rainy days. All other days I was outside. Mom stopped letting me take my Barbies outside after I covered Sabrina in mud and hung her by her hair from the swingset. I tried to explain that she was training for a special top secret mission, but that didn't seem to make the process of washing her any easier for my mother).
I think I have prepared you as much as I could for the next logical step of this blog post. Some of the following events are somewhat fictionalized, but I can assure you, my Barbies went through much worse scenarios than this.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF BARBIE,
During the Dark Days of Her Ownership by one Rose Dallas,
Complete with Scene Notes in Italics,
And Director's Notes in (Parentheses).
Today's Story:
Kelly's Disappearance
Scene opens on a rainy Saturday morning. Barbie is sleeping late, as all grown-ups do. Kelly is up early, and decides she wants to spend the day in the attic, playing with all the dresses in her Great-Grandmother's old trunk. (Director places Kelly on a nearby desk, where the little sister will stay for most of today's story).
At last, Barbie awakes, gets dressed, and heads into the kitchen for some breakfast. (Director, being very thorough, actually goes through the motions of getting out pots and pans, placing them on a fake stove, and cooking something. Probably bacon. And oats).
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly, wake up, it's time for breakfast!
Kelly, playing in the attic, cannot hear Barbie's calls. So she does not answer. Besides, she has already had breakfast. She had Cheerios, with milk on top.
BARBIE: Kelly, I'm not kidding! It's time to get up!
Kelly is still playing in the attic, still can't hear Barbie, still doesn't answer, and is still full of Cheerios.
BARBIE: Kelly, if you don't get up by the time I count to three, I'm coming in to get you up myself! (This threat always works on Director, because it is usually followed up by tickling from Dad, and that is something to avoid at all costs). One!
Kelly plays on, blisfully unaware.
BARBIE: Two!
When Kelly still doesn't answer, Barbie puts down anything she might be (sort of) holding and starts to walk towards Kelly's bedroom. (Director tries multiple times to get Barbie's legs to move like she's walking without having her bend over backwards. When it doesn't work, Barbie starts to hop everywhere).
BARBIE: Three! I'm coming in, Kelly!
Barbie bursts into Kelly's bedroom and is shocked to find it empty! Standing in the middle of the room, she looks about confusedly before starting to look for her baby sister.
BARBIE: Don't play hide-and-seek right now, Kelly. It's time for breakfast. We'll play hide-and-seek later.
Barbie searches under the bed, behind the door, and in the closet (Director's best hiding places). But Kelly is nowhere to be found. Barbie starts to panic.
BARBIE: Kelly, this isn't funny! Come out right now and eat breakfast!
Barbie searches the rest of the house. She looks in closets, cabinets, behind all the doors, and even checks all the trees out back (Director used to have a brilliant plan to pretend to run away, but actually she would just sleep in one of the trees in the backyard. Director and Kelly have a lot in common, probably). She doesn't check the attic, though. Barbie doesn't think Kelly is tall enough to get to the attic (Director isn't. She wishes she was).
Now in a full-blown panic, Barbie checks the whole house again, running around like a whirlwind.
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly! Come out! Kelly! Come on! You won't be in trouble, just come out and eat breakfast!
Worried and unsure what to do next, Barbie calls her boyfriend, Ken (Director makes the dial tones, dialing, and ringing noises. I already told you she is thorough).
KEN: Hello?
BARBIE: Ken! It's Barbie! I can't find Kelly and I need you to come over right now.
KEN: Did you check behind the doors?
BARBIE: Yes! And I checked under the bed, and in the closet. I can't find her anywhere!
KEN: Okay, I'll be there in five minutes.
Ken lives next door, so it probably won't take him very long to get over there to help. But he just woke up and he is still in his pajamas (Director's Mom never lets her go out in her pajamas. This is obviously a law of the universe). Ken starts to change clothes.
BARBIE: Kelly! Kelly!
Barbie is laying on the floor at this point, completely helpless (Director only has so many hands, and they are currently involved in putting Ken's jeans on, which are way too tight for him. So Barbie has to be dramatic for the sake of the storyline). Meanwhile, Kelly's still playing in the attic. (Director makes ringing noises again). Ken thinks it's Barbie.
KEN: Hello? Did you find her?
SABRINA: Find who? Hi, Ken.
KEN: Oh, hey, Sabrina. I was just talking to Barbie. She can't find Kelly, so I have to go help her. Can you call me back later?
SABRINA: That's awful! Poor Barbie! I was just calling because I was thinking about going to the mall later. You could come, too.
(Director always makes the girls she doesn't like go to the mall, so you know at this point that Sabrina is a bad guy).
KEN: Um...
Cut to Barbie.
BARBIE: (still lying on the floor) Kelly! Kelly! Come out now!
Cut back to phone conversation.
KEN: I don't know about that, Sabrina. I don't really like the mall. I need to go help Barbie, now.
SABRINA: Well, I'll call back later in case you change your mind.
KEN: Okay, bye!
SABRINA: See ya!
Ken hangs up and tries to find a tee shirt (At this point, the story is paused for several minutes while Director and Ken search in vain for a shirt. Eventually, Director puts one of Barbie's bigger, plainer dresses on him and stuffs the hem into his jeans so it looks kind of like a shirt). Finally, Ken is ready to eat some cereal (Director's Mom never lets her go out until she's eaten breakfast either. This is clearly another universal law).
While Ken eats, Barbie gets up off the floor and decides she should look outside again.
BARBIE: Maybe I should look outside again.
Barbie goes outside to look around. While she looks for Kelly behind the pile of firewood, she is suddenly grabbed from behind by a bad guy! (Director is using Greg for this purpose, but Greg hasn't actually made his character role appearance yet. At this point, he is only a henchman. His is a small criminal operation).
BARBIE: Hey, let me go!
HENCHMAN: Shut up, butthead!
(Director sniggers).
BARBIE: Stop it! Let me go!
Barbie is actually awesome, so she bites the henchman's arm and he lets go.
HENCHMAN: Auuuugggrrrrhhh!
Barbie turns around and aims a high kick at the henchman's face. Then she starts to run (well, hop) away quickly.
By now, Ken has finished his breakfast and is coming out on the front porch. While he stands there, immobile with shock (Director only has two hands), the henchman recovers from Barbie's kick and catches her from behind again. Although Barbie struggles, she can't get free. The henchman drags Barbie to the getaway car (it's a Barbie Jeep, but Director is pretending it's a big, clunky, gray van. She has the Hot Wheels version of what she wants to use, and she drives it beside the Jeep so everybody knows what the Jeep is supposed to look like).
Barbie is tied up and gagged at this point (the henchman is obviously very fast at these kinds of things), and can only kick her legs as the henchman drives away. (Barbie ALWAYS ends up kidnapped). Ken runs after the car, but can't catch them. Horrified, he goes into Barbie's house to try to find Kelly and to call the police.
(By now, Director's Mom is up, and Director has to go eat breakfast).
To be continued...
My sister and I used to play with Barbies this way. Well, we didn't have such elaborate stories, but the Barbies would be going on an outing or party or something, and then they would get ambushed by bad guys who would tie them to trees, hang them from trees, throw them...oh, lots of things. I think my favorite moment though was when the Barbies had to go down the stairs in their cars. Of course, the cars crashed a lot. In one such crash, a Barbie's head popped off somehow. It was epic.
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