Achtung!

I am a Grammar Nazi.

No, don't try to sugar over it.  I can admit it.  I am a Grammar Nazi.

I am that chick who eloquently harpoons internet trolls, who have no concept of capitalizations, apostrophes, or pluralizations.  Even when I text, my grammar is immaculate -- it is physically painful for me to send a text with errors in it, even down to punctuation and appropriate abbreviations.

I am the girl that points out errors in billboards, pamphlets, and subtitles.  I'm the girl who plays Bananagrams and Scrabble and Word Twist until the wee hours of the morning.  I'm the girl who knew that a possessive "its" doesn't take an apostrophe by age eight.  I am that girl: The Grammar Nazi.

Recently, there have been several grammatical issues that have been driving me up the wall.  I need an outlet for the frustration these constantly niggling mistakes have caused in me.

Unfortunately, I can't ban people with poor grammar from using the English language until they learn to use it properly.  The "Linguistic Time-Out" would be my unequivocal first choice, if that was an option.  In lieu of a figurative Dunce Cap, I am going to have to settle for a snarky blog post, in which I detail the coping mechanisms I have developed for these issues.  Hang on tight, kiddies.

Reprehensible Grammatical Error #1: Substitution of a Preposition in a Compound Predicate

or

"Would Have" vs. "Would Of"

It is an increasingly common error to write, "He would of gone if he could of found a way," instead of the correct grammar: "He would have gone if he could have found a way."

Obviously I am aware that when a person is speaking, "would have" often sounds like "would of."  But if you wish to reflect this phonetic anomaly, you ought to do it with a contraction, like so: "would've."

You may use "would have" or "would've."  Everything else is wrong.

RGE#1 Coping Mechanism: I have taken to coping with this error by thinking of the comment as the transcription of a medieval sports announcer, written on ancient parchment, with some fragments having faded away.  That way, the error becomes an antiquated title, and you can fill in the blanks to make it all right.  Observe:

"He, Would of [the land of] Gone, [will be the winner] if he, Could of [the town of] Found, [goes] a-way."

It isn't very scientific, but it makes me feel better.

Reprehensible Grammatical Error #2: Misrespresentation of Common Figures of Speech

or

Learn Your Homonyms, People!

Too many people like to utilize frequently used colloquial expressions, without knowing how to spell them properly.  As a Grammar Nazi, this is something I have never done (in fact, there is a particular phrase that I never use in my writing, simply because I don't know which homonym is appropriate: "to say one's piece/peace").  Since I hold everyone I meet to the same grammatical standards that I myself adhere to, I do not tolerate the misuse of homonyms.

There are three simple examples of this barf-worthy mistake, listed below.  I shall show you how to cope with each (and laugh while you're doing it).

1.) Ensure vs. Insure -- The word "ensure" meaning to make certain of, and the word "insure" meaning to purchase liability equal to the value of the direct object.

2.) Bated Breath vs. Baited Breath -- The word "bated" being a derivation of the word "abated," meaning subdued, and the word "baited" meaning a dangled temptation, as on a hook or in a trap.

3.) Bear With Me vs. Bare With Me -- The word "bear" meaning to carry, as a burden, and the word "bare" meaning uncovered and without embellishment.

RGE#2 Coping Mechanisms: I find that merely taking each incorrect homonym at face-value does a lot for a sentence with this type of error.  Behold the enumerated examples below:

1.) "I am going to insure she doesn't do that." -- Picture the speaker/writer seated across the desk from an insurance agent, filling out forms to insure a She-Doesn't-Do-That for $250,000 ($35.00/month).

2.) "He waited with baited breath." -- Picture a mouth-breathing male standing on a dock, with a fishing line extending from his mouth, lure and buoy and all.

3.) "Please bare with me while I check that information." -- Picture this. You're welcome.

Reprehensible Grammatical Error #3: Redundant Repetition in Popular Melodic Songs

or

Pick One Modifier and Stick With It

If you are into hip-hop music, you have probably heard the very popular song in which this line is repeated multiple times on a catchy melody: "It was only just a dream..."

This makes the editor within me writhe uncontrollably.  When there is more than one word with the same meaning modifying a single word or phrase, you should choose the more effective of these words and use it exclusively.

RGE #3 Coping Mechanism: Think of as many synonyms as possible and list them after the original redundancy.  Like so:

It was only just merely simply exclusively singularly insignificantly a dream.

---

To all those who have committed these errors, or who will commit them in the days to come: Consider yourself warned.  Though I be but little, I am fierce.  Do not doubt that I will hunt you down and use your eyes in an ellipsis...

Ahem.  Excuse my ranting.

This is the end of the post.