Carcinogens

THINGS THAT CAUSE CANCER

(And Whether or Not I Agree)

1.) Air Pollution
I am inclined to agree with this one.  Air pollution certainly causes respiratory problems.  And I find that a large part of cancer is the build-up of gunk in places it shouldn't be.  When you breathe in the gunk, there's not many places it can go...

2.) Global Warming
Since I am one of those people who believes in cycles (as I've said before), I don't believe that global warming or climate change is something that humans are affecting.  It seems to me that humans are alarmists, in general, and now that we're taking records of everything in the universe (literally), we're scared we're somehow negatively affecting the planet that routinely kicks our butts with natural disasters.  Ergo, I do not believe that global warming causes cancer.

3.) Pesticides
This one seems quite plausible.  I am far more likely to subscribe to a general belief in man-made cancer causes.  This one has been linked to many sicknesses, cancer only one among them, and I have to say it probably did have a hand in a few cases of cancer.  Once again, the gunk where it doesn't belong...

4.) Toothpaste
The toothpaste they mean is the kind with fluoride or bleach (the same things that make our tap water murderous).  I disagree with this one entirely.  I think a little fluoride is good for you.  A lot of it isn't, I'll grant you that.  But that's easy to avoid -- just don't swallow a whole tube of toothpaste, m'kay?

5.) Tobacco
Yes.  Cigarettes and chewing tobacco most certainly cause cancer.  That is a lot of gunk in a lot of places where it just really shouldn't ever be.  Honestly, who in their right mind thinks it's a good idea to draw smoke into your lungs?

6.) French Fries
Sorry, McDonald's.  I mean, I don't think they cause cancer.  But adding cancer to a long list of other reasons that fast food is unhealthy... well, that sucks for you.  Good thing I'll always be a loyal customer (multiple blockages, here I come)!

7.) Bottled Water
Tap water kills us, and bottled water causes cancer.  Water destroys us all.  Dr Pepper inherits the earth!

8.) Cooked Foods
We're doomed.

9.) Aspartame
That nasty sugar substitute they put in diet drinks definitely causes cancer.  I whole-heartedly agree.  I've also heard, however, that drinking anything out of an aluminum can leads to cancer.  That is patently untrue (if it were true, I would have been dead long ago).

10.) Dairy
As the milkman's (legitimate) daughter, I must take issue with this one.  Sure, lactose intolerance sucks, but dairy cause cancer?  Come on, now.  I don't think so.  Milk makes you big and strong.  I know 'cause my daddy told me so.

11.) Pet Birds
Having seen the living state of some pet birds, I am willing to believe they carry/cause diseases in humans.  So I'll agree with this one.

12.) Chewing Gum
Every cheerleader on the face of the earth would drop dead of cancer if that were true.  I highly doubt chewing gum causes cancer.

13.) Winter
Winter definitely causes cancer.  I agree fully.  Winter will kill me, one of these days.

14.) Toasters
Despite men's tendency to cover up anything important when activating toasters, microwaves, ovens, etc., I really don't think that electric heat causes cancer.  Sorry, guys.

15.) Celery
Ha!  It causes cancer!  I do not have to eat it!  Take that, veggies!

16.) Left-Handedness
You would think that in a world that has created the iPad, we would be past the archaic bias against the left hand, which is born out of customs we abolished when we invented toilet paper.  Being left-handed has absolutely no effect on your health.  Left-handers have rights too!

17.) Peanuts
Have you seen some of the bars where they have peanuts in open containers?  Yuck.  Maybe peanuts themselves don't cause cancer, but I think those places just might.

18.) Gingerbread
Maybe an ulcer.  Definitely cavities.  But cancer?  You're not gonna sell me on that one.

19.) Hair Dyes
Having been the victim of permanent hair dye myself, and having seen permanent hair dye cause hair to literally break off, I have to say this one isn't totally unfounded.  The things we do for beauty... or rebellion.

20.) Brooms
Apparently, some people believe sweeping causes nose cancer, because of the particles you kick up during the process.  Those are the same people that believe drinking from aluminum cans screws up your mouth. I'm going with a no on that one.

21.) Baby Food
As much as I would like to say Gerber isn't laying the groundwork for horrific disease, that nasty pudding-like perversion of solid food is chock full of preservatives and chemicals.  Gunk.

22.) Wallpaper
I am not sure how people think this is possible.  Maybe if you stared at it long enough you could get eye cancer... but no, not even then, I don't think.

23.) Flying
I can sort of see how one might think that changing altitudes so rapidly, repeatedly over a span of time, might cause some problems.  I am not sold on the idea that it causes cancer, but inner ear problems?  Circulation issues?  Nosebleeds?  Yeah, it causes problems sometimes..

24.) Exercise
Wait.  I thought I was supposed to exercise.  Now if I exercise, I'm risking cancer?  Sorry, but I just don't buy it.  Not when those endorphins are telling me otherwise?  Endorphins don't lie -- that's why chocolate should be its own food group.

25.) The Sun
I hate that this one is undeniably a factor in some cases of skin cancer.

The fact of the matter is, we live in a world where everything causes cancer.  I have come to believe that the main cause of cancer is The Fear of Getting Cancer.  Therefore, I choose to live it up, avoid as much gunk as possible, and believe with all my heart that I am going to be the crotchety old lady handing out candy to my favorite little kids.  I defy cancer to happen to me.  Let's see if my theory is right.