(Director has now eaten breakfast and has been forced to change out of her pajamas. But she is now ready to continue the story.) Ken bursts into Barbie's house.
KEN: Kelly! Kelly, where are you?!
He doesn't really look for Kelly, though. He heads straight for the kitchen and the telephone. (Director makes all appropriate noises).
POLICEMAN: (also Greg, in a lesser role) 9-1-1. What's going on?
KEN: My girlfriend just got kidnapped.
POLICEMAN: (gasps) I'll send someone out there immediately!
KEN: Thank you!
Ken hangs up. Now that he has called the police, he feels free to look for Kelly in earnest.
KEN: Kelly! Kelly, where are you?! Your sister's been kidnapped! We have to help her!
Ken is louder than Barbie, but Kelly still can't hear him in the incredibly high attic. She continues to play. Ken also thinks that Kelly is too short to get into the attic, so he looks everywhere but where she actually is.
Meanwhile, two policemen arrive (played by Greg and Ariel, without her fin) and knock on the door. Ken opens the door, harried and nervous.
KEN: Thank goodness!
POLICEMAN: What's the deal here, sir?
POLICEWOMAN: We heard someone got kidnapped?
KEN: Yes, my girlfriend, Barbie. And I can't find her sister, either. They might have kidnapped her too!
POLICEMAN: Did you see who did it?
KEN: Yeah, some guy dressed in black. He grabbed her and put her in his van.
POLICEWOMAN: Where did he go?
KEN: He went that way.
(Director grunts with the effort of making Ken point. His right arm is sticky because of that one time when she played Barbies while she ate her peanut butter and jelly sandwich).
POLICEWOMAN: Thanks, we're on it.
KEN: Wait! Who did this?
POLICEMAN: Well, we can't be sure, but we think it was probably Larry Ferguson.
(One of Director's classmates has the last name Ferguson. They don't get along).
KEN: But, Larry Ferguson is Barbie's stepfather!
POLICEWOMAN: Yeah, but what nobody knows is he's her evil stepfather. We've been trying to catch him for weeks.
POLICEMAN: He's really smart and sneaky. So if you're going to try to rescue her, be careful.
KEN: Oh, I will. Thank you.
POLICEMAN: Keep looking for Kelly. Tell us if you find her.
POLICEWOMAN: We'll go after Ferguson. We'll let you know when he's in jail for good.
KEN: Thanks.
The policemen leave. Ken sits down on the front porch and drops his head into his hands to think.
Cut to Barbie, who is now blindfolded, gagged, and tied to a chair. (Director tried to actually do all those things, but only succeeded in getting a ribbon over Barbie's eyes and making her sit in a chair. Unfortunately, Director doesn't have any Barbie-sized furniture, so the chair is a full-sized one, and Greg has to walk around on the chair with her to talk).
GREG: Did you think you could get away, Barbie? You know I have spies all over the place.
BARBIE: Mmph, grash asph sjqwmff.
Greg takes off her blindfold/gag.
BARBIE: (gasps) But... you're my stepfather! How dare you?!
GREG: I know you know where the treasure is. Your mom told you, didn't she?
(There's ALWAYS treasure involved).
BARBIE: I don't know what you're talking about.
GREG: Well, fine!
He stomps on her foot.
BARBIE: Oooooouch!
GREG: Do you know what I'm talking about now?
BARBIE: NO!
(Director spends an inordinate amount of time making Greg pace back and forth while she decides what to do next).
GREG: How about NOW?!
Greg pushes Barbie through the slats of the chair, where she falls the the ground and hurts hurself badly. (Thankfully, Director subscribes to the George of the Jungle method: "Nobody dies in this movie. They just get really bad boo-boos.") Barbie gets up and tries to limp away, still tied up (Director squeezes Barbie's hands together behind her back while she hops away, ignoring how Barbie's arms weren't made to do that).
Greg jumps nimbly down from the chair and lands in front of Barbie, cutting off her escape.
BARBIE: Let me go! I don't know where it is! Let me go!
GREG: We'll just see about that, Barbie. We'll just see about that.
Cut back to Ken, formulating a plan on the front porch. Suddenly, Sabrina appears. (Sabrina is actually a pretty scary doll, having been dumped in mud multiple times, and covered in marker from a recent makeover. But boy, does Sabrina think she's pretty). Sabrina poses in front of Ken.
SABRINA: What's wrong, Ken?
KEN: Sabrina! Thank goodness you're here! Do you know where Barbie's stepfather lives?
SABRINA: Of course. But why do you want to go there? We should just go to the mall.
KEN: I don't want to go to the mall. Barbie's been kidnapped, and I have to find her!
SABRINA: Why would her stepfather kidnap her?
KEN: I don't know, but I'm going to find out! Can you take me to her stepfather's house?
SABRINA: Yeah, whatever.
Ken follows Sabrina to the general vicinity of the chair, where Barbie and Greg still fight inaudibly. They watch until Greg leaves Barbie, forcing her to do some kind of housework (probably clean the room. Director hates cleaning her room. Usually when her Barbies are forced to do menial labor, they have to clean the room or mop the floor).
Seizing the opportunity, Ken starts to climb through a window to get to Barbie, but Sabrina pulls him back down. She holds his arms behind his back and marches him into the house to see Greg.
SABRINA: He was trying to rescue her. Do you think he knows something?
GREG: Maybe. Put him in the basement with Barbie. We'll make them talk.
SABRINA: Yes, sir.
Sabrina marches Ken down the longest hallway ever at a snail's pace (so they can converse).
KEN: Why are you doing this? I thought you liked me!
SABRINA: I do like you! But you're in love with Barbie! Why should I help you when you won't even go to the mall with me?
(For Director, the only good thing about the mall is the Hello Kitty store).
KEN: You should help me because you know that Larry is wrong! He's treating his own stepdaughter like a slave just to get to some stupid treasure!
SABRINA: It's a lot of treasure! We're gonna be rich!
KEN: You won't be rich if you can't find it.
SABRINA: What's that supposed to mean? Do you know where it is?
KEN: Why should I tell you?
SABRINA: 'Cause if you don't, we'll kill you.
KEN: Then you'll have to kill me.
Sabrina pushes Ken into the basement with Barbie. He tumbles down (invisible) stairs and hits his head when he lands.
SABRINA: You asked for it!
Sabrina walks away, cackling. Barbie and Ken are reunited, but scared and uncertain how to get out. They try to escape through the window, out a back door, and even try getting back through the house to the front door, but are always thwarted by Sabrina and/or Greg.
(By this time in the game, Director is getting really tired of playing Barbies. But not wanting to leave Ken and Barbie in such a perilous situation, she rushes through the rest of the story).
Greg and Sabrina torture Barbie and Ken by way of quicksand, trying to find out where the treasure is. (The torture is always quicksand or water. The quicksand is actually colored sand from a sand art kit Director got for her birthday a while back. The water always comes from the bathroom sink).
GREG: Tell us where the treasure is and we'll pull you out.
BARBIE: Why should we believe you?
GREG: You don't have a choice!
KEN: I think you're gonna let us die either way!
SABRINA: You're dumb! Shut up!
GREG: Tell us where the treasure is, now! You have to!
BARBIE: No way! We'll never tell you!
(Even though Barbie is the one always getting kidnapped, Director has a habit of making her the strongest character in the story. Ken is usually just along for the ride. This probably has some kind of deeper meaning to any psychologists reading out there).
GREG: Then the quicksand is gonna eat you and I'm not doing anything about it!
KELLY: (appearing out of nowhere with the policemen) Hi-ya! (kicks Greg)
GREG: WAUGH! (falls into the quicksand)
SABRINA: Hey, you can't do that!
KELLY: Yes I can! Hi-ya! (kicks Sabrina repeatedly)
SABRINA: Quit it! Stop! I'll help you!
KELLY: (stops kicking) Good. Hold me down to Ken and Barbie.
SABRINA: Okay.
Sabrina holds Kelly down over the quicksand, pulling Ken and Barbie to safety. All watch in horror as Greg sinks beneath the surface.
KEN: Phew! Glad that's over.
BARBIE: Kelly, where were you this morning?! How did you know where to find us?!
KELLY: I was in the attic playing with Great-Great's dresses. Then I got hungry and came down for lunch, and everybody was gone. So I called the police and they told me where you were. I came to get you.
POLICEWOMAN: And she did a great job rescuing you.
POLICEMAN: (with some colored sand still in his hair) Yep.
POLICEWOMAN: Miss, you're gonna have to come with me. (arrests Sabrina)
SABRINA: But I helped!
POLICEWOMAN: Sure you did, after you kidnapped Ken and put two innocent people in quicksand. You're gonna be in jail for a long time.
POLICEMAN: Let's go.
The policemen take Sabrina to jail, where they also take Larry Ferguson, after they un-bury him. Ken, Barbie, and Kelly return home, where Barbie makes a delicious lunch of sandwiches for them all. And then of course, Barbie and Ken share a dramatic kiss (Director hates it when their noses bump together. She wants them to kiss right -- no eskimo kisses will do! So she squeezes some of the air out of their heads. That makes it possible for their heads to cock, so they can get a good angle on the kiss). Finally, Barbie and Ken are safe!
Later on, Kelly will go to the bank, where the treasure is hidden (Director kept Cheerios in one of her dresser drawers, since she thought that's what treasure was, thanks to Michael of Disney's Peter Pan). Once she has the treasure, they live happily ever after.
KEN: Kelly! Kelly, where are you?!
He doesn't really look for Kelly, though. He heads straight for the kitchen and the telephone. (Director makes all appropriate noises).
POLICEMAN: (also Greg, in a lesser role) 9-1-1. What's going on?
KEN: My girlfriend just got kidnapped.
POLICEMAN: (gasps) I'll send someone out there immediately!
KEN: Thank you!
Ken hangs up. Now that he has called the police, he feels free to look for Kelly in earnest.
KEN: Kelly! Kelly, where are you?! Your sister's been kidnapped! We have to help her!
Ken is louder than Barbie, but Kelly still can't hear him in the incredibly high attic. She continues to play. Ken also thinks that Kelly is too short to get into the attic, so he looks everywhere but where she actually is.
Meanwhile, two policemen arrive (played by Greg and Ariel, without her fin) and knock on the door. Ken opens the door, harried and nervous.
KEN: Thank goodness!
POLICEMAN: What's the deal here, sir?
POLICEWOMAN: We heard someone got kidnapped?
KEN: Yes, my girlfriend, Barbie. And I can't find her sister, either. They might have kidnapped her too!
POLICEMAN: Did you see who did it?
KEN: Yeah, some guy dressed in black. He grabbed her and put her in his van.
POLICEWOMAN: Where did he go?
KEN: He went that way.
(Director grunts with the effort of making Ken point. His right arm is sticky because of that one time when she played Barbies while she ate her peanut butter and jelly sandwich).
POLICEWOMAN: Thanks, we're on it.
KEN: Wait! Who did this?
POLICEMAN: Well, we can't be sure, but we think it was probably Larry Ferguson.
(One of Director's classmates has the last name Ferguson. They don't get along).
KEN: But, Larry Ferguson is Barbie's stepfather!
POLICEWOMAN: Yeah, but what nobody knows is he's her evil stepfather. We've been trying to catch him for weeks.
POLICEMAN: He's really smart and sneaky. So if you're going to try to rescue her, be careful.
KEN: Oh, I will. Thank you.
POLICEMAN: Keep looking for Kelly. Tell us if you find her.
POLICEWOMAN: We'll go after Ferguson. We'll let you know when he's in jail for good.
KEN: Thanks.
The policemen leave. Ken sits down on the front porch and drops his head into his hands to think.
Cut to Barbie, who is now blindfolded, gagged, and tied to a chair. (Director tried to actually do all those things, but only succeeded in getting a ribbon over Barbie's eyes and making her sit in a chair. Unfortunately, Director doesn't have any Barbie-sized furniture, so the chair is a full-sized one, and Greg has to walk around on the chair with her to talk).
GREG: Did you think you could get away, Barbie? You know I have spies all over the place.
BARBIE: Mmph, grash asph sjqwmff.
Greg takes off her blindfold/gag.
BARBIE: (gasps) But... you're my stepfather! How dare you?!
GREG: I know you know where the treasure is. Your mom told you, didn't she?
(There's ALWAYS treasure involved).
BARBIE: I don't know what you're talking about.
GREG: Well, fine!
He stomps on her foot.
BARBIE: Oooooouch!
GREG: Do you know what I'm talking about now?
BARBIE: NO!
(Director spends an inordinate amount of time making Greg pace back and forth while she decides what to do next).
GREG: How about NOW?!
Greg pushes Barbie through the slats of the chair, where she falls the the ground and hurts hurself badly. (Thankfully, Director subscribes to the George of the Jungle method: "Nobody dies in this movie. They just get really bad boo-boos.") Barbie gets up and tries to limp away, still tied up (Director squeezes Barbie's hands together behind her back while she hops away, ignoring how Barbie's arms weren't made to do that).
Greg jumps nimbly down from the chair and lands in front of Barbie, cutting off her escape.
BARBIE: Let me go! I don't know where it is! Let me go!
GREG: We'll just see about that, Barbie. We'll just see about that.
Cut back to Ken, formulating a plan on the front porch. Suddenly, Sabrina appears. (Sabrina is actually a pretty scary doll, having been dumped in mud multiple times, and covered in marker from a recent makeover. But boy, does Sabrina think she's pretty). Sabrina poses in front of Ken.
SABRINA: What's wrong, Ken?
KEN: Sabrina! Thank goodness you're here! Do you know where Barbie's stepfather lives?
SABRINA: Of course. But why do you want to go there? We should just go to the mall.
KEN: I don't want to go to the mall. Barbie's been kidnapped, and I have to find her!
SABRINA: Why would her stepfather kidnap her?
KEN: I don't know, but I'm going to find out! Can you take me to her stepfather's house?
SABRINA: Yeah, whatever.
Ken follows Sabrina to the general vicinity of the chair, where Barbie and Greg still fight inaudibly. They watch until Greg leaves Barbie, forcing her to do some kind of housework (probably clean the room. Director hates cleaning her room. Usually when her Barbies are forced to do menial labor, they have to clean the room or mop the floor).
Seizing the opportunity, Ken starts to climb through a window to get to Barbie, but Sabrina pulls him back down. She holds his arms behind his back and marches him into the house to see Greg.
SABRINA: He was trying to rescue her. Do you think he knows something?
GREG: Maybe. Put him in the basement with Barbie. We'll make them talk.
SABRINA: Yes, sir.
Sabrina marches Ken down the longest hallway ever at a snail's pace (so they can converse).
KEN: Why are you doing this? I thought you liked me!
SABRINA: I do like you! But you're in love with Barbie! Why should I help you when you won't even go to the mall with me?
(For Director, the only good thing about the mall is the Hello Kitty store).
KEN: You should help me because you know that Larry is wrong! He's treating his own stepdaughter like a slave just to get to some stupid treasure!
SABRINA: It's a lot of treasure! We're gonna be rich!
KEN: You won't be rich if you can't find it.
SABRINA: What's that supposed to mean? Do you know where it is?
KEN: Why should I tell you?
SABRINA: 'Cause if you don't, we'll kill you.
KEN: Then you'll have to kill me.
Sabrina pushes Ken into the basement with Barbie. He tumbles down (invisible) stairs and hits his head when he lands.
SABRINA: You asked for it!
Sabrina walks away, cackling. Barbie and Ken are reunited, but scared and uncertain how to get out. They try to escape through the window, out a back door, and even try getting back through the house to the front door, but are always thwarted by Sabrina and/or Greg.
(By this time in the game, Director is getting really tired of playing Barbies. But not wanting to leave Ken and Barbie in such a perilous situation, she rushes through the rest of the story).
Greg and Sabrina torture Barbie and Ken by way of quicksand, trying to find out where the treasure is. (The torture is always quicksand or water. The quicksand is actually colored sand from a sand art kit Director got for her birthday a while back. The water always comes from the bathroom sink).
GREG: Tell us where the treasure is and we'll pull you out.
BARBIE: Why should we believe you?
GREG: You don't have a choice!
KEN: I think you're gonna let us die either way!
SABRINA: You're dumb! Shut up!
GREG: Tell us where the treasure is, now! You have to!
BARBIE: No way! We'll never tell you!
(Even though Barbie is the one always getting kidnapped, Director has a habit of making her the strongest character in the story. Ken is usually just along for the ride. This probably has some kind of deeper meaning to any psychologists reading out there).
GREG: Then the quicksand is gonna eat you and I'm not doing anything about it!
KELLY: (appearing out of nowhere with the policemen) Hi-ya! (kicks Greg)
GREG: WAUGH! (falls into the quicksand)
SABRINA: Hey, you can't do that!
KELLY: Yes I can! Hi-ya! (kicks Sabrina repeatedly)
SABRINA: Quit it! Stop! I'll help you!
KELLY: (stops kicking) Good. Hold me down to Ken and Barbie.
SABRINA: Okay.
Sabrina holds Kelly down over the quicksand, pulling Ken and Barbie to safety. All watch in horror as Greg sinks beneath the surface.
KEN: Phew! Glad that's over.
BARBIE: Kelly, where were you this morning?! How did you know where to find us?!
KELLY: I was in the attic playing with Great-Great's dresses. Then I got hungry and came down for lunch, and everybody was gone. So I called the police and they told me where you were. I came to get you.
POLICEWOMAN: And she did a great job rescuing you.
POLICEMAN: (with some colored sand still in his hair) Yep.
POLICEWOMAN: Miss, you're gonna have to come with me. (arrests Sabrina)
SABRINA: But I helped!
POLICEWOMAN: Sure you did, after you kidnapped Ken and put two innocent people in quicksand. You're gonna be in jail for a long time.
POLICEMAN: Let's go.
The policemen take Sabrina to jail, where they also take Larry Ferguson, after they un-bury him. Ken, Barbie, and Kelly return home, where Barbie makes a delicious lunch of sandwiches for them all. And then of course, Barbie and Ken share a dramatic kiss (Director hates it when their noses bump together. She wants them to kiss right -- no eskimo kisses will do! So she squeezes some of the air out of their heads. That makes it possible for their heads to cock, so they can get a good angle on the kiss). Finally, Barbie and Ken are safe!
Later on, Kelly will go to the bank, where the treasure is hidden (Director kept Cheerios in one of her dresser drawers, since she thought that's what treasure was, thanks to Michael of Disney's Peter Pan). Once she has the treasure, they live happily ever after.
THE END
Since that was one of the milder adventures, you can imagine the traumatic events my Barbies often lived through. Sometimes they would go on adventures with me throughout the whole house! And those adventures were nothing compared to what would sometimes happen during my bathtimes. Those Barbies were excellent swimmers, which was a good thing, since shipwrecks were so common back then.
Later, I passed those Barbies and all their remaining effects on to another cousin, who undoubtedly was much kinder to them than I. But I like to think that maybe those Barbies enjoyed their wild adventures with me. They always got a happy ending, after all. Even Sabrina and Greg sometimes ended up living happily ever after, instead of serving life sentences behind bars.
I hereby dedicate this post to Barbie -- that acrobatic, hardy doll -- who put up with all my ridiculous games. Even though when you left me, your hair was matted and you had only a fraction of your original wardrobe, you still survived with that perfect smile on your face.
To Barbie, Ken, Kelly, Sabrina, and Greg: Thank you. My childhood would not have been the same without you.
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