Today is an Exasperation Day. I have these periodically. Usually they happen towards the end of a week. Usually they happen because I haven't gotten a lot of sleep. And usually they happen when I can't express my exasperation without losing self-respect, dignity, or my job.
The sole characterization of an Exasperation Day is one very simple thing: all day long, at every moment, for no real reason at all, you feel completely, overwhelmingly, and unbearably annoyed.
The things that cause this buzzing annoyance are things that happen every day. But for some reason, on Exasperation Days, they don't slip off your shoulders like they normally do. They build up. They resonate. They linger. They fester.
Normally, it doesn't hit me that I'm having an Exasperation Day until around lunchtime. That's about when I realize that all the festering annoyance has been eating a hole in my stomach, and now I won't have enough lunch to fill it, and isn't that just one more annoying thing to top it all off?
But I knew as soon as I woke up today. The second my phone woke itself up to vibrate angrily and blare the cheesy ringtone I use for my alarm, I thought, "I am already annoyed. Uh-oh."
I lay there for as long as humanly possible before throwing off the covers and getting ready for work. I glanced at the clock, did a double-take, and then remembered that I had to go into work offensively early today to make up some time.
(Did you know there is a Spanish word for 'offensively early?' A different word than just early, I mean. I'm talking about offensively early, so early you feel personally affronted that such an hour even exists. There is a Spanish word for that: madrugada).
As you may have guessed from that long parenthetical rant, I am not a morning person.
Still, there is nothing to be done about the fact that this is a day. There is also nothing to be done about the fact that this is a work day, which means I have to go out in public on this day. There is also nothing to be done about the fact that this is a winter work day, which means I have to go out in public on a cold day. I hate the cold. Cold is my arch-enemy (as opposed to snow, which is my mortal enemy -- believe me, there is a difference).
As I said, there is nothing to be done about any of those things, so I put on gloves, a coat, and my brave face, and head out the front door to my ostentatiously bright yellow car. There is frost on the windshield. It refuses to be erased by my windshield wipers. Heavy sigh. Grudging obligation. Scraper. Cold.
On my way to work, I get stuck behind OldManCadillac. This is one of those impossibly wide Cadillacs from the 80s. And in the driver's seat is one of those impossibly old men in his 80s. OldManCadillac won't stop dancing on his brakes. Don't get me wrong, pal, I'm thrilled that you're still feeling footloose in your old age, but couldn't we move those fancy toes to the right just a few inches?
Once I get past the cold and into work at last, the annoyances start to come more quickly, one on the heels of another. The first one is my stupid hair and its stupid frizz and the stupid fact that it won't stay in its stupid ponytail. And then my stupid computer wants me to reboot it so it can install some stupid updates. And the stupid applications give me stupid papercuts on my stupid fingers. And I can't stop thinking the word stupid!
Cue the laugh. There is this man I work with. Well, I don't really work with him... it would be more accurate to say: There is this man I work near. Ignoring the fact that I just ended two sentences in prepositions, let's talk about this NearNeighbor of mine. NearNeighbor has one of those laughs. It's a laugh that hardly sounds like a laugh at all. It almost sounds like he knows he should be making some sort of sound that resembles laughter, but he can't muster up enough enthusiasm for the idea. His laugh sounds like this: "Ngh ngh ngh."
It ends in a period. Not an exclamation point. And it is always three times. And he doesn't ever open his mouth to laugh. It is always that "ngh" sound in the back of his throat. It is quite possibly the most annoying laugh that has ever been heard on this planet (and there have been some really annoying laughs before it -- just talk to Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory, or Gertie from Oklahoma!).
Stupid hair! Stay in the stupid ponytail!
ABWUHHOO!
Good Lord. Was that a sneeze?
ABWAAAAHU!
Yes. Someone is definitely sneezing. Loudly.
UUBAAHH!
This sneezing person might possibly have some species of troll in their family tree.
Great. My iPod just died. That means I will have to use my crappy Pandora account. Pandora isn't psychic like my iPod. Pandora will make me listen to stuff I don't want to listen to. I just wanted to listen to Plain White T's.
My Gatorade bottle is entirely too large. How am I stupposed to grip it properly?
BAHOOEY!
Bless you, I think.
Is that... Is it getting sunny outside? Yes, it most definitely is! That is a beautiful blue sky, hardly a cloud in sight! It's sunny! Oh my goodness, finally! Hooray! I... Wait. I'm inside. Expletive.
Ngh, ngh, ngh.
I can't forget I have a date with Llena de Amor at 6 tonight. Oh, man, my show is going to be so intense tonight. Marianela and Gretel are talking like they might finally reveal their true identities. I can't miss that. But... it's Friday, so my exercise place is closing by 7. Crap. Exercise, or telenovela?
HABAHOO!
Geez, did the cubicles just shake?
I need to exercise tonight. I haven't gotten a star on my New Year's Resolution Chart in a few days. I should really exercise tonight. Exercise is more important than a Spanish soap opera. But what if the rapist pees his pants again? I will cry if I miss that.
Ngh ngh ngh.
Wait a second, who's this joker they've put in my ear? Kris Allen? "Kris" is the way a girl spells that name. You're not a girl. And why are you trying to combine fluffy pop with rap? It's like audible vomit. Ew. Pandora, did you get this guy out of that box of yours? You know you're not supposed to open that thing.
Oh. Thank you very much, you evil cloud. If you hadn't momentarily moved over the sun and dimmed the lighting in the whole building, I might have succeeded in forgetting that it is beautiful outside while I am stuck in a cramped office building. Lovely.
This. Gatorade. Bottle. Is. TOO. EFFING. BIG.
I guess I can miss my show just for tonight. After all, I can always catch up. And it will feel good to exercise. I like endorphins. After all, it's not like much ever happens on that show that they don't recount for you like eight times in the next episode, right? Except for that one show where they spanned two years in a two-minute montage... But they would only do that once, right? Right?
Ngh ngh ngh.
What in the... Paramore?! Pandora, you really do not know me at all. Why can't you just play me Plain White T's?
NYABAHROOM!
That sneeze sounded almost like an over-enthusiastic cheer for the restroom facilities. YEAH, BATHROOM!
It's... so... sunny. Maybe I could hop out there for my break really quick? No, we're not allowed to go outside the building for our breaks unless we're going somewhere for lunch. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's, just to get outside for a bit. But I can't. I swore off McDonald's until I get more numbers. Grumble.
Hair. Ponytail. Now.
I am going to have to go exercise tonight. I will hate myself more tomorrow if I don't exercise than if I don't watch my show. My show will survive without me.
Ngh ngh ngh.
What is so freakin' funny?!
Oh. I'm hungry. I think it's lunch time. And it's an Exasperation Day, so you know I didn't bring enough lunch to fill the new holes my acidic annoyance has created by now.
Ngh ngh ngh.
Seriously, what is so funny?!?!
I refuse to take a sip of this Gatorade, as the bottle is much too big and I am tired of lifting it to my mouth.
I could be frolicking through Crockett Park in twenty minutes if I left right now.
Ow! Stupid applications! Papercuts are lethal pain in tiny doses!
GABRAGHT!
Was that German, or are you still sneezing? Would you like some Sudafed? Some Claritin, perhaps? Or maybe you could use some Go-Home-If-You're-Sick.
Oh my word, Pandora. Are you really forcing me to listen to Forever the Sickest Kids? No. I hereby unplug my headphones from your "personalized" radio station.
I really want a sip of this Gatorade. But it's so friggin' bulky!
Ngh ngh ngh.
He must be talking to a clown, or something. Why else would you laugh that much at work?
I need food. It's lunch time. I should eat. I should drink some of this Gatorade. I should throw away this ponytail holder because it is obviously way to stretchy to hold my hair up anymore.
MWUMBAHU!
That sounds like a city in Africa.
-----
I could go on like that forever, but I have better things to do, and so do you. I may have exaggerated some things a little bit, like the debate between exercise and my telenovela. The sneeze onomatopoeia was all accurate, however.
Just so you know, I'm waiting for that final straw. The one that broke the camel's back (or should I say giraffe?). You'll know when it comes. I'll implode on myself, and this blog will slowly self-destruct as a result.
Maybe if I could go outside, the sunny afternoon breezes would blow some of the straw away before I reached the breaking point. I guess we'll never know, will we?
Ngh ngh ngh.
The sole characterization of an Exasperation Day is one very simple thing: all day long, at every moment, for no real reason at all, you feel completely, overwhelmingly, and unbearably annoyed.
The things that cause this buzzing annoyance are things that happen every day. But for some reason, on Exasperation Days, they don't slip off your shoulders like they normally do. They build up. They resonate. They linger. They fester.
Normally, it doesn't hit me that I'm having an Exasperation Day until around lunchtime. That's about when I realize that all the festering annoyance has been eating a hole in my stomach, and now I won't have enough lunch to fill it, and isn't that just one more annoying thing to top it all off?
But I knew as soon as I woke up today. The second my phone woke itself up to vibrate angrily and blare the cheesy ringtone I use for my alarm, I thought, "I am already annoyed. Uh-oh."
I lay there for as long as humanly possible before throwing off the covers and getting ready for work. I glanced at the clock, did a double-take, and then remembered that I had to go into work offensively early today to make up some time.
(Did you know there is a Spanish word for 'offensively early?' A different word than just early, I mean. I'm talking about offensively early, so early you feel personally affronted that such an hour even exists. There is a Spanish word for that: madrugada).
As you may have guessed from that long parenthetical rant, I am not a morning person.
Still, there is nothing to be done about the fact that this is a day. There is also nothing to be done about the fact that this is a work day, which means I have to go out in public on this day. There is also nothing to be done about the fact that this is a winter work day, which means I have to go out in public on a cold day. I hate the cold. Cold is my arch-enemy (as opposed to snow, which is my mortal enemy -- believe me, there is a difference).
As I said, there is nothing to be done about any of those things, so I put on gloves, a coat, and my brave face, and head out the front door to my ostentatiously bright yellow car. There is frost on the windshield. It refuses to be erased by my windshield wipers. Heavy sigh. Grudging obligation. Scraper. Cold.
On my way to work, I get stuck behind OldManCadillac. This is one of those impossibly wide Cadillacs from the 80s. And in the driver's seat is one of those impossibly old men in his 80s. OldManCadillac won't stop dancing on his brakes. Don't get me wrong, pal, I'm thrilled that you're still feeling footloose in your old age, but couldn't we move those fancy toes to the right just a few inches?
Once I get past the cold and into work at last, the annoyances start to come more quickly, one on the heels of another. The first one is my stupid hair and its stupid frizz and the stupid fact that it won't stay in its stupid ponytail. And then my stupid computer wants me to reboot it so it can install some stupid updates. And the stupid applications give me stupid papercuts on my stupid fingers. And I can't stop thinking the word stupid!
Cue the laugh. There is this man I work with. Well, I don't really work with him... it would be more accurate to say: There is this man I work near. Ignoring the fact that I just ended two sentences in prepositions, let's talk about this NearNeighbor of mine. NearNeighbor has one of those laughs. It's a laugh that hardly sounds like a laugh at all. It almost sounds like he knows he should be making some sort of sound that resembles laughter, but he can't muster up enough enthusiasm for the idea. His laugh sounds like this: "Ngh ngh ngh."
It ends in a period. Not an exclamation point. And it is always three times. And he doesn't ever open his mouth to laugh. It is always that "ngh" sound in the back of his throat. It is quite possibly the most annoying laugh that has ever been heard on this planet (and there have been some really annoying laughs before it -- just talk to Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory, or Gertie from Oklahoma!).
Stupid hair! Stay in the stupid ponytail!
ABWUHHOO!
Good Lord. Was that a sneeze?
ABWAAAAHU!
Yes. Someone is definitely sneezing. Loudly.
UUBAAHH!
This sneezing person might possibly have some species of troll in their family tree.
Great. My iPod just died. That means I will have to use my crappy Pandora account. Pandora isn't psychic like my iPod. Pandora will make me listen to stuff I don't want to listen to. I just wanted to listen to Plain White T's.
My Gatorade bottle is entirely too large. How am I stupposed to grip it properly?
BAHOOEY!
Bless you, I think.
Is that... Is it getting sunny outside? Yes, it most definitely is! That is a beautiful blue sky, hardly a cloud in sight! It's sunny! Oh my goodness, finally! Hooray! I... Wait. I'm inside. Expletive.
Ngh, ngh, ngh.
I can't forget I have a date with Llena de Amor at 6 tonight. Oh, man, my show is going to be so intense tonight. Marianela and Gretel are talking like they might finally reveal their true identities. I can't miss that. But... it's Friday, so my exercise place is closing by 7. Crap. Exercise, or telenovela?
HABAHOO!
Geez, did the cubicles just shake?
I need to exercise tonight. I haven't gotten a star on my New Year's Resolution Chart in a few days. I should really exercise tonight. Exercise is more important than a Spanish soap opera. But what if the rapist pees his pants again? I will cry if I miss that.
Ngh ngh ngh.
Wait a second, who's this joker they've put in my ear? Kris Allen? "Kris" is the way a girl spells that name. You're not a girl. And why are you trying to combine fluffy pop with rap? It's like audible vomit. Ew. Pandora, did you get this guy out of that box of yours? You know you're not supposed to open that thing.
Oh. Thank you very much, you evil cloud. If you hadn't momentarily moved over the sun and dimmed the lighting in the whole building, I might have succeeded in forgetting that it is beautiful outside while I am stuck in a cramped office building. Lovely.
This. Gatorade. Bottle. Is. TOO. EFFING. BIG.
I guess I can miss my show just for tonight. After all, I can always catch up. And it will feel good to exercise. I like endorphins. After all, it's not like much ever happens on that show that they don't recount for you like eight times in the next episode, right? Except for that one show where they spanned two years in a two-minute montage... But they would only do that once, right? Right?
Ngh ngh ngh.
What in the... Paramore?! Pandora, you really do not know me at all. Why can't you just play me Plain White T's?
NYABAHROOM!
That sneeze sounded almost like an over-enthusiastic cheer for the restroom facilities. YEAH, BATHROOM!
It's... so... sunny. Maybe I could hop out there for my break really quick? No, we're not allowed to go outside the building for our breaks unless we're going somewhere for lunch. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's, just to get outside for a bit. But I can't. I swore off McDonald's until I get more numbers. Grumble.
Hair. Ponytail. Now.
I am going to have to go exercise tonight. I will hate myself more tomorrow if I don't exercise than if I don't watch my show. My show will survive without me.
Ngh ngh ngh.
What is so freakin' funny?!
Oh. I'm hungry. I think it's lunch time. And it's an Exasperation Day, so you know I didn't bring enough lunch to fill the new holes my acidic annoyance has created by now.
Ngh ngh ngh.
Seriously, what is so funny?!?!
I refuse to take a sip of this Gatorade, as the bottle is much too big and I am tired of lifting it to my mouth.
I could be frolicking through Crockett Park in twenty minutes if I left right now.
Ow! Stupid applications! Papercuts are lethal pain in tiny doses!
GABRAGHT!
Was that German, or are you still sneezing? Would you like some Sudafed? Some Claritin, perhaps? Or maybe you could use some Go-Home-If-You're-Sick.
Oh my word, Pandora. Are you really forcing me to listen to Forever the Sickest Kids? No. I hereby unplug my headphones from your "personalized" radio station.
I really want a sip of this Gatorade. But it's so friggin' bulky!
Ngh ngh ngh.
He must be talking to a clown, or something. Why else would you laugh that much at work?
I need food. It's lunch time. I should eat. I should drink some of this Gatorade. I should throw away this ponytail holder because it is obviously way to stretchy to hold my hair up anymore.
MWUMBAHU!
That sounds like a city in Africa.
-----
I could go on like that forever, but I have better things to do, and so do you. I may have exaggerated some things a little bit, like the debate between exercise and my telenovela. The sneeze onomatopoeia was all accurate, however.
Just so you know, I'm waiting for that final straw. The one that broke the camel's back (or should I say giraffe?). You'll know when it comes. I'll implode on myself, and this blog will slowly self-destruct as a result.
Maybe if I could go outside, the sunny afternoon breezes would blow some of the straw away before I reached the breaking point. I guess we'll never know, will we?
Ngh ngh ngh.
I HIGHLY approve of this blog post. I am sorry that it was exasperation day for you. But it was quite funny to read.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite blog post now.
And I like how one of your tags is 'fake enthusiasm'.