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I am going to start this blog post by writing about hugs.  The way I see it, there are three basic types of hugs: frontal hugs, sideways hugs, and group hugs.  You know what I'm talking about.

A frontal hug has many different sub-categories.  One common frontal hug is the Man Hug, in which two male humanoids approach one another, shake hands, pull into a quick hug, slap each other on the back a couple of times, and part.

Another is the Great-Aunt Bertha Hug, in which the smaller and weaker humanoid is swiftly and forcibly squished into the breast of the larger party, held there until almost smothered, and then released.

There's also the Glomp, which begins with a sneak attack, hits the climax when one humanoid jumps into the other's arms, and can be characterized by the possibility that one or both people might end up on the ground by the time the hug is over.

My personal favorite is the Bear Hug, in which two humanoids of any size, gender, or hair color approach one another, hug powerfully, growl/laugh/squeal, and then part.  Sometimes a person involved in a Bear Hug might even lose their footing for a moment or two.

Sideways hugs of all varieties can be described with one word: awkward.  It could be the Hesitant Hug, where you think you maybe should hug someone, but you can't quite decide, so what ends up happening can be anything from a regular sideways hug to using the other person's shoulder for an armrest.  Awkward.

There's also the Yikes Hug, when a person wants to hug you, but you really don't want to hug them, so you turn sideways at the last second so they can't really get a full hug in on you.  It's the hug equivalent of cheeking someone when they try to kiss you.  Awkward.

My favorite sideways hug is the Boy/Girl Friendship Hug.  This hug occurs when two people who don't happen to be the same gender do happen to be friends, and to see each other in a social situation.  Usually when this hug appears, it is because there is some gray fuzz on the definition of the relationship, and neither party is willing to dust it off just yet.  So they go with the sideways hug so there's no awkwardness.  Except, guess what?  It's still awkward.

Group hugs are the best category.  They are always chaotic, usually messy, and never fail to cause uproarious laughter.  There's The Sandwich, in which one person becomes the meat, and two or three other people become the bread.  This is very amusing for the bread people and the spectators, although it can be rather unpleasant for the one in the middle...

A similar hug is The Squish.  This is usually reserved for a special occasion, like an engagement or a birthday.  Like The Sandwich, one person is the victi-- I mean, the center of attention.  Once they are surrounded, everyone moves inward until the main character of this hug can no longer breathe properly.  Again, this is a crowd favorite, but can be a little disconcerting for the monkey in the middle.

The best group hug is The Blob.  Everyone hugs everyone, and then everyone keeps hugging everyone, and soon it's just a giant hug-fest of peace and love and rainbows.  Also, like the horror movie with the same name, this hug is almost impossible to avoid and/or escape.

Now I will ask the question you are undoubtedly thinking by now: Why in the world am I writing in deep, superfluous detail about hugs?

Well, I'll tell you.  Although I plan to spend more paragraphs on the topic, the explanation can be summed up in three dreaded words:  There's this boy.

You see, it occurred to me recently that a lot of social interactions can be contrasted with the hug system I have described for you.  This idea occurred to me because that dreaded boy I mentioned above causes me to overanalyze social situations even more than I already do.  His mere presence ups the social ante until it's almost too much to risk.  A big reason for this is my completely unavoidable attraction to him.  But usually I blame it on his complex, distractingly blue eyes.

With most of my friends, including the guys, frontal hug interaction is no problem at all.  A one-on-one greeting followed by a friendly conversation is as easy as breathing.  I have known most of my current social group for my whole life (hence the ease of the situation -- new people make me clam up and reveal my socially challenged-ness).  When you've known people since the pimples and greasy hair of high school, or in some cases, since the poopy diapers and runny noses of toddlerhood, the social rules don't really exist anymore.

As you can imagine, BlueEyes is an exception to that generality.  I sure know how to pick 'em -- BlueEyes is just as socially challenged as I am, at least when it comes to interacting with me.  I have known BlueEyes since I was just a weird little tomboy, still fascinated with roly-polies and positive that I was going to be a paleontologist when I grew up.  So we know how to have a conversation.  But lately, we choose not to go there.  We choose to casually ignore one another.  I think you can infer that this approach is getting frustrating.

Here comes the kicker.  BlueEyes and I are forced into the same social situations more often than is comfortable.  You see, our group hug interactions tend to overlap one another.  He's friends with a lot of my friends, I'm friends with a lot of his friends, and these friends all tend to have parties sometimes.  Not to mention his friendship with Brother, and the fact that we've gone to the same church since infancy.  That's a lot of times to casually ignore each other.

Usually, our group hug interactions are virtually painless.  Groups make everything easier, since there's the built-in buffer of too many people talking at once about the same topics.  And our group hug interactions are definitely of The Blob persuasion.  It was the sideways hug interactions that first got me thinking about these classifications for relationships.

There's no denying that BlueEyes and I have a sideways hug relationship.  We must have a buffer at all times, a medium if you will, through which we can direct our social interaction.  If it appears that we are both speaking with that neutral party, while still kind of talking to each other, then we can project the illusion of having a frontal hug relationship, when really our relationship would be easier without any hugging at all.

Typically after a night of sideways hug interactions, I just feel ridiculous and goofy for over-thinking every little thing, down to the minutest details.  I also feel ridiculous for being incapable of simply stepping past that sideways barrier and going for the normal, pleasant frontal hug conversation.  And it feels silly that BlueEyes can't get past the sideways force field either.

When these feelings overwhelm me, it leaves me with the very real fear that BlueEyes and I are going to be stuck in the accidental armrest phase forever.  Conversation-wise and hug-wise, sideways is just awkward.

I don't know if any of this makes sense.  I guess hugs are a weird way to categorize this whole thing.  Still, I wish that we could all have frontal hug relationships, where you could speak your mind or give someone a Bear Hug without worrying that they'll hate you, or that you'll break them.  I wish you could say exactly what you were thinking in a given situation, without having those newly spoken thoughts backfire on you, wreaking havoc on your life through pesky social repercussions.

I guess what I'm saying is: I want life to make sense.

Yeah.  That's not gonna happen.

... Group hug?