I have decided that random itching always has a cause. You know -- overactive imagination = complex explanation, all that jazz.
Simple explanation: I have done quite a bit of Internet research on random itching. Apparently it can be caused by anything from microscopic bacteria burrowing under your skin, to blood circulation issues, to stress making your nerve endings prickle. It is very common, completely unpredictable, and (so far as anyone can tell) completely unrelated to psychological phenomena.
In this case, my explanation is almost shorter! Except that you probably have no idea what I mean by "Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquitoes," so I am going to have to explain my explanation. Considering just how thoroughly developed this theory is, that will make my explanation longer. So I'll just shrug and get on with it.
I want you to know that this theory is backed up by Science. It might not be good science, and it's definitely not Bill Nye Science. (Bill Nye Science is widely considered to be the best Science around, followed at a respectable second by MythBusters Science.) I am pretty sure that the Science I attempt fulfills the equal-and-opposite-reaction rule. Because if there is a climax of Science, I am probably the antithesis of that climax. I am the Anti-Bill-Nye. Like the Anti-Christ, except not nearly as pernicious (or apocalyptic).
It is this Anti-Bill-Nye Science that supports my hypothesis. You can decide if that is a good thing, or if it actually hurts my case to admit this to you.
Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquitoes (hereafter referred to as "IPPMs," because I am too lazy to type that multiple times) are what happens any time one humanoid thinks about another humanoid in a certain way. You have heard of sending someone mind bullets, or glaring daggers at someone? The IPPMs are very similar to those concepts. They are like microscopic target-seeking torpedoes, armed and very dangerous, random-itch-wise.
As a living, breathing humanoid, you are automatically equipped with several types of IPPMs. It's like having several different species of bothersome bugs (like gnats, horseflies, gallinappers, tsetse flies, etc.), except that psycho-projected insects are all of the invisible mosquito genus. Each of these different IPPMs has a specific target, and are caused by certain psychic stimuli.
Allow me to give you several examples.
Mens-Anopheles Nasum (or the Nasal IPPM): This IPPM is activated whenever someone is thinking of you. They head straight for your nose, and make it unbearably itchy, often culminating in a sneeze. This is an age-old myth, an old wives' tale, and a Hindi belief. It is probably the most widely recognized IPPM (except nobody thinks of it as invisible mosquitoes flying up your nose -- only I am that odd). Another explanation for your nose itching might be simply that you have to sneeze.
Mens-Anopheles Auriculum (or the Ear-Type IPPM): If your ears itch or burn, you have most likely been the victim of an Ear-Type IPPM. These are activated when someone has gone past the cognitive stage and is actually talking about you. Again, this phenomenon has been widely associated with its cause by many in European history. Another explanation for your ears burning might be that you are blushing. Another explanation for your ears itching might be that you have eczema. But these cases are few and far between; more often, somebody is talking about you.
Mens-Anopheles Retrum (or the Impossible-To-Reach-Place IPPM): Whenever your back itches in that impossible-to-reach place, this IPPM has been to visit. Triggered when someone gossips about you, these itches are incredibly difficult to scratch and even worse to get rid of. It would probably be easier to find whoever is gossiping about you and stand awkwardly close to them, so they'll be afraid to continue and change the subject quickly. Another explanation might be that you are wearing wool. Why you would ever wear garments of 100% wool is beyond me, but hey, it's your skin.
Mens-Anopheles Manum (or the Handy IPPM): Anytime your hands itch, this is undoubtedly the result of someone planning something involving you. Someone experiencing itchy hands should be on the lookout for last-minute invitations, surprise parties, and/or cheap practical jokes. Because of how often this happens to me, I am on the lookout for all those things, and also some IPPM repellant. If you see any (or develop any), do let me know. Another explanation for itchy hands might be that you have touched something icky -- I recommend washing your hands repeatedly before assigning blame to Handy IPPMs.
Mens-Anopheles Genum (or the Kneeful IPPM): An itching knee usually indicates that someone has just envisioned what your kids would look like. Hopefully a person sending out Kneeful IPPMs is your significant other, best friend, or parent, and not just some random person you passed on the street. Another explanation for itching knees is that you need to shave (or you have dry skin).
My ears are itching. Stop talking about me!
Mens-Anopheles Pedum (or the Barefoot IPPM): Itchy feet are a bad sign. Run! If your feet are itching, you have been attacked by Barefoot IPPMs, which are harbingers for anyone who means you harm. Don't wait to find out what kind of harm, just get somewhere safe, check all closets/bathtubs/dark spaces for serial killers, and lock yourself in until the itching stops. Another explanation for itchy feet might be that you have Athlete's Foot.
Mens-Anopheles Supra-Pedum (or the WTF? IPPM): WTF? IPPMs are incredibly rare. They target the top of the foot, and are exceptionally annoying. These perplexing IPPMs are the heralds of true love, as they are triggered by someone having just fallen in love with you. Enjoy it (that is, if it is possible to enjoy the constant prickling and tingling of itchy tops of your feet...)! There is no other explanation for this phenomenon.
Mens-Anopheles Ulnum (or the Elbowesque IPPM): As it is supposed to be impossible for your elbows to itch, if you find yourself a victim of itchy elbows, you have most certainly been plagued by the Elbowesque IPPMs, which are triggered by someone wondering if it is possible for elbows to itch.
The above examples are not the only IPPMs out there. Since there are innumerable ways to think about a person, there are innumerable types of psycho-projected mosquitoes resulting from those thoughts. This should be a good basic guide however. In the meantime, I will continue to work on Psycho-Projected Bugspray. One day, we will be free of these pesky random itches, if it's the last thing I do!
Somewhere, an Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquito's foot just itched.
Simple explanation: I have done quite a bit of Internet research on random itching. Apparently it can be caused by anything from microscopic bacteria burrowing under your skin, to blood circulation issues, to stress making your nerve endings prickle. It is very common, completely unpredictable, and (so far as anyone can tell) completely unrelated to psychological phenomena.
My explanation: Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquitoes.
In this case, my explanation is almost shorter! Except that you probably have no idea what I mean by "Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquitoes," so I am going to have to explain my explanation. Considering just how thoroughly developed this theory is, that will make my explanation longer. So I'll just shrug and get on with it.
I want you to know that this theory is backed up by Science. It might not be good science, and it's definitely not Bill Nye Science. (Bill Nye Science is widely considered to be the best Science around, followed at a respectable second by MythBusters Science.) I am pretty sure that the Science I attempt fulfills the equal-and-opposite-reaction rule. Because if there is a climax of Science, I am probably the antithesis of that climax. I am the Anti-Bill-Nye. Like the Anti-Christ, except not nearly as pernicious (or apocalyptic).
It is this Anti-Bill-Nye Science that supports my hypothesis. You can decide if that is a good thing, or if it actually hurts my case to admit this to you.
Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquitoes (hereafter referred to as "IPPMs," because I am too lazy to type that multiple times) are what happens any time one humanoid thinks about another humanoid in a certain way. You have heard of sending someone mind bullets, or glaring daggers at someone? The IPPMs are very similar to those concepts. They are like microscopic target-seeking torpedoes, armed and very dangerous, random-itch-wise.
As a living, breathing humanoid, you are automatically equipped with several types of IPPMs. It's like having several different species of bothersome bugs (like gnats, horseflies, gallinappers, tsetse flies, etc.), except that psycho-projected insects are all of the invisible mosquito genus. Each of these different IPPMs has a specific target, and are caused by certain psychic stimuli.
Allow me to give you several examples.
Mens-Anopheles Nasum (or the Nasal IPPM): This IPPM is activated whenever someone is thinking of you. They head straight for your nose, and make it unbearably itchy, often culminating in a sneeze. This is an age-old myth, an old wives' tale, and a Hindi belief. It is probably the most widely recognized IPPM (except nobody thinks of it as invisible mosquitoes flying up your nose -- only I am that odd). Another explanation for your nose itching might be simply that you have to sneeze.
Mens-Anopheles Auriculum (or the Ear-Type IPPM): If your ears itch or burn, you have most likely been the victim of an Ear-Type IPPM. These are activated when someone has gone past the cognitive stage and is actually talking about you. Again, this phenomenon has been widely associated with its cause by many in European history. Another explanation for your ears burning might be that you are blushing. Another explanation for your ears itching might be that you have eczema. But these cases are few and far between; more often, somebody is talking about you.
Mens-Anopheles Retrum (or the Impossible-To-Reach-Place IPPM): Whenever your back itches in that impossible-to-reach place, this IPPM has been to visit. Triggered when someone gossips about you, these itches are incredibly difficult to scratch and even worse to get rid of. It would probably be easier to find whoever is gossiping about you and stand awkwardly close to them, so they'll be afraid to continue and change the subject quickly. Another explanation might be that you are wearing wool. Why you would ever wear garments of 100% wool is beyond me, but hey, it's your skin.
Mens-Anopheles Manum (or the Handy IPPM): Anytime your hands itch, this is undoubtedly the result of someone planning something involving you. Someone experiencing itchy hands should be on the lookout for last-minute invitations, surprise parties, and/or cheap practical jokes. Because of how often this happens to me, I am on the lookout for all those things, and also some IPPM repellant. If you see any (or develop any), do let me know. Another explanation for itchy hands might be that you have touched something icky -- I recommend washing your hands repeatedly before assigning blame to Handy IPPMs.
Mens-Anopheles Genum (or the Kneeful IPPM): An itching knee usually indicates that someone has just envisioned what your kids would look like. Hopefully a person sending out Kneeful IPPMs is your significant other, best friend, or parent, and not just some random person you passed on the street. Another explanation for itching knees is that you need to shave (or you have dry skin).
My ears are itching. Stop talking about me!
Mens-Anopheles Pedum (or the Barefoot IPPM): Itchy feet are a bad sign. Run! If your feet are itching, you have been attacked by Barefoot IPPMs, which are harbingers for anyone who means you harm. Don't wait to find out what kind of harm, just get somewhere safe, check all closets/bathtubs/dark spaces for serial killers, and lock yourself in until the itching stops. Another explanation for itchy feet might be that you have Athlete's Foot.
Mens-Anopheles Supra-Pedum (or the WTF? IPPM): WTF? IPPMs are incredibly rare. They target the top of the foot, and are exceptionally annoying. These perplexing IPPMs are the heralds of true love, as they are triggered by someone having just fallen in love with you. Enjoy it (that is, if it is possible to enjoy the constant prickling and tingling of itchy tops of your feet...)! There is no other explanation for this phenomenon.
Mens-Anopheles Ulnum (or the Elbowesque IPPM): As it is supposed to be impossible for your elbows to itch, if you find yourself a victim of itchy elbows, you have most certainly been plagued by the Elbowesque IPPMs, which are triggered by someone wondering if it is possible for elbows to itch.
The above examples are not the only IPPMs out there. Since there are innumerable ways to think about a person, there are innumerable types of psycho-projected mosquitoes resulting from those thoughts. This should be a good basic guide however. In the meantime, I will continue to work on Psycho-Projected Bugspray. One day, we will be free of these pesky random itches, if it's the last thing I do!
Somewhere, an Invisible Psycho-Projected Mosquito's foot just itched.
Gah! This blog post makes me itch! I can't imagine what writing it must have done...
ReplyDeleteSince I know these IPPM's effect you quite often, by your own science above, you are thought about a lot!
ReplyDelete