I have finally figured out what I should do with my life!
I have discovered a product with huge potential, as yet overlooked by most marketing agencies. There are a few independent chains, mostly headed up by moms, but in the market at large, it remains quite obscure. This product is going to sweep the parental demographic. This product is going to make me millions!
This product was invented by my grandmother.
When I was a child, I was relentlessly pursued and harrassed by a veritable phalanx of monsters. These monsters were masters of disguise, friends of darkness. They hid in my closets, under my bed, in my drawers, under my pillow, in the faucet of the kitchen sink, beneath the living room carpet... everywhere.
Thankfully, these monsters had one weakness, that I knew of: light. Sleeping with a night-light on left me completely unplagued by the photophobic creatures. Also, I could make shadow puppets on the wall to protect me. I had bodyguards of the llama, dog, butterfly, and giraffe variety, but no monster was a match for my shadow brachiosaurus.
This was all very well and good when I was at home, but on the rare occasion that I would spend the night with my grandmother, I had no choice but to sleep without a night-light. I did my best to be brave. I had a habit of growling softly until I fell asleep, and then growling some more anytime I happened to wake up for a few minutes during the night. I thought that would be at least a little intimidating for any potential attackers.
Even as a child, I had extremely vivid, realistic dreams. I remember them very clearly, and there are even some dreams that have repeated themselves since I was a child, popping up every now and then. Trying to run away from wolves/coyotes is one such dream. Another is getting a glass of water, only to realize that your return path to your room is littered with red-eyed crocodiles. I also have a strange tendency to dream about post-apocalyptic worlds.
But when I was little, my dreams were simpler. They were brighter. They were scarier.
I remember one night, in particular, when I was staying with Grandmother. We had both gone to bed early, and I had been sick not long before, so my rest came in fits and spurts. After one such fit, I woke from a nightmare, thinking I was about to be devoured by some heinous creature.
I ran screaming for Grandmother, who was of course more than a match for any monster merely because she was too awesome for words. Obviously.
This was not the first time I had panicked. Grandmother had lots of experience calming me down and keeping monsters at bay. But on this particular evening, for some reason, she decided I should sleep in my own bed. So, she got out of the bed, slipped her feet into her blue houseshoes, and went to the kitchen.
She returned with a spray can. Showing it to me, she told me she was getting tired of all the monsters in her house. The last time I had been there, she said, she realized what a big problem it was. So she had gone out and gotten some 'Monster-Spray.'
Awed, I listened as she explained that this Monster-Spray would chase away all the monsters, ghouls, ghosts, creatures, and thingamajigs in the whole house. Not one evil thing could withstand the spray's deadly aerosol formula.
I padded around behind my grandmother as she sprayed every nook and cranny in her house. We must have been monster-proofing for at least an hour or two, but Grandmother was very thorough. She even let me spray it sometimes. And after we were done, I drifted off into blissful sleep, confident that the only non-human creature still present in the house was my Grandmother's cat, Shasta, whom Grandmother assured me was immune to Monster-Spray.
I have invented my own brand, based off of that experience. It is sure to be a hit with all the little children facing similar problems to those of my young days.
Castle in Ireland, here I come!
Thanks, Grandmother.
I have discovered a product with huge potential, as yet overlooked by most marketing agencies. There are a few independent chains, mostly headed up by moms, but in the market at large, it remains quite obscure. This product is going to sweep the parental demographic. This product is going to make me millions!
This product was invented by my grandmother.
When I was a child, I was relentlessly pursued and harrassed by a veritable phalanx of monsters. These monsters were masters of disguise, friends of darkness. They hid in my closets, under my bed, in my drawers, under my pillow, in the faucet of the kitchen sink, beneath the living room carpet... everywhere.
Thankfully, these monsters had one weakness, that I knew of: light. Sleeping with a night-light on left me completely unplagued by the photophobic creatures. Also, I could make shadow puppets on the wall to protect me. I had bodyguards of the llama, dog, butterfly, and giraffe variety, but no monster was a match for my shadow brachiosaurus.
This was all very well and good when I was at home, but on the rare occasion that I would spend the night with my grandmother, I had no choice but to sleep without a night-light. I did my best to be brave. I had a habit of growling softly until I fell asleep, and then growling some more anytime I happened to wake up for a few minutes during the night. I thought that would be at least a little intimidating for any potential attackers.
Even as a child, I had extremely vivid, realistic dreams. I remember them very clearly, and there are even some dreams that have repeated themselves since I was a child, popping up every now and then. Trying to run away from wolves/coyotes is one such dream. Another is getting a glass of water, only to realize that your return path to your room is littered with red-eyed crocodiles. I also have a strange tendency to dream about post-apocalyptic worlds.
But when I was little, my dreams were simpler. They were brighter. They were scarier.
I remember one night, in particular, when I was staying with Grandmother. We had both gone to bed early, and I had been sick not long before, so my rest came in fits and spurts. After one such fit, I woke from a nightmare, thinking I was about to be devoured by some heinous creature.
I ran screaming for Grandmother, who was of course more than a match for any monster merely because she was too awesome for words. Obviously.
This was not the first time I had panicked. Grandmother had lots of experience calming me down and keeping monsters at bay. But on this particular evening, for some reason, she decided I should sleep in my own bed. So, she got out of the bed, slipped her feet into her blue houseshoes, and went to the kitchen.
She returned with a spray can. Showing it to me, she told me she was getting tired of all the monsters in her house. The last time I had been there, she said, she realized what a big problem it was. So she had gone out and gotten some 'Monster-Spray.'
Awed, I listened as she explained that this Monster-Spray would chase away all the monsters, ghouls, ghosts, creatures, and thingamajigs in the whole house. Not one evil thing could withstand the spray's deadly aerosol formula.
I padded around behind my grandmother as she sprayed every nook and cranny in her house. We must have been monster-proofing for at least an hour or two, but Grandmother was very thorough. She even let me spray it sometimes. And after we were done, I drifted off into blissful sleep, confident that the only non-human creature still present in the house was my Grandmother's cat, Shasta, whom Grandmother assured me was immune to Monster-Spray.
I have invented my own brand, based off of that experience. It is sure to be a hit with all the little children facing similar problems to those of my young days.
Castle in Ireland, here I come!
Thanks, Grandmother.
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