When you work in a retail environment, you get the chance to people-watch extensively. Since I am a people-watcher anyway, and since my overactive imagination likes to draw obscure conclusions, I have noticed something about the way children ask for candy.
If you've ever watched House, you know that there are five psychological stages a person passes through on his way to death. You begin with Denial, transition into Anger, cycle into Bargaining, fall into Depression, and then finally make your way to Acceptance.
House has all the answers.
What I have come to realize is that, when a child asks for candy, he goes through those stages. In reverse. I shall explain.
The last stage of death is Acceptance. Basically, the child starts out dead, following his mom around the grocery store while she gets all the boring things that she has to cook before they are edible. But when he enters this first/last stage, he wakes up from his stupor and accepts the following facts: 1) he is a child, 2) there is candy nearby, and 3) the combination of candy and child would be superhero-making.
The child will then exclaim, "Mommy, I want a Butterfinger!"
Normal moms will probably ignore this petition, which triggers the transition into the next stage: Depression. The child can see the candy, and reach the candy, and touch the candy, but he cannot have the candy. This causes whining, which stems out of the child's depression and is designed to cause depression in others.
The child will then wail, "Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease can I have a Butterfinger?"
If, at that point, the mother has not capitulated, a seamless switch into Bargaining occurs. The child begins to barter with whatever is at his disposal. Does he have a younger sibling? Why yes, yes he does. Does that younger sibling belong to him? Why yes, yes he does. Little brother = bargaining chip.
The child will then offer magnanimously, "I'll share it with Barrett, Mommy! I'll share my Butterfinger with Barrett, if you get it for me!"
Hopefully, most moms acknowledge the child's generosity in offering. However, if they still refuse to purchase the treat, the child will grow frustrated, which leads directly into Anger. At first, the only way the child can express this anger is to pull a sour face, stomp his feet, and growl. But once that phase has passed, he decides a threat will represent his anger well enough.
The child will then proclaim, "I won't stop asking you until you get me a Butterfinger! Get me a Butterfinger! Please, please, please, get me a Butterfinger!"
By this time, the mom usually has the excuse of having finished the transaction, thereby making it all a moot point. She will most likely reprimand the child for his petulance, while gently explaining that it's time to go, and maybe he can get a treat next time if he behaves. In order to process this acute rejection, the child slowly reaches the final/first stage of Denial. He blocks the incident from his memory.
The child will then take his mother's hand and sigh, "I didn't really want a Butterfinger anyway."
The moral of the story is:Candy raises children from the dead.
Children can't live without candy.
That's a bunch of psycho-babble anyway--candy is a child's crystal meth.
Taking candy from a baby is as good as abortion.
There is no moral. I'm just insane.
If you've ever watched House, you know that there are five psychological stages a person passes through on his way to death. You begin with Denial, transition into Anger, cycle into Bargaining, fall into Depression, and then finally make your way to Acceptance.
House has all the answers.
What I have come to realize is that, when a child asks for candy, he goes through those stages. In reverse. I shall explain.
The last stage of death is Acceptance. Basically, the child starts out dead, following his mom around the grocery store while she gets all the boring things that she has to cook before they are edible. But when he enters this first/last stage, he wakes up from his stupor and accepts the following facts: 1) he is a child, 2) there is candy nearby, and 3) the combination of candy and child would be superhero-making.
The child will then exclaim, "Mommy, I want a Butterfinger!"
Normal moms will probably ignore this petition, which triggers the transition into the next stage: Depression. The child can see the candy, and reach the candy, and touch the candy, but he cannot have the candy. This causes whining, which stems out of the child's depression and is designed to cause depression in others.
The child will then wail, "Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease can I have a Butterfinger?"
If, at that point, the mother has not capitulated, a seamless switch into Bargaining occurs. The child begins to barter with whatever is at his disposal. Does he have a younger sibling? Why yes, yes he does. Does that younger sibling belong to him? Why yes, yes he does. Little brother = bargaining chip.
The child will then offer magnanimously, "I'll share it with Barrett, Mommy! I'll share my Butterfinger with Barrett, if you get it for me!"
Hopefully, most moms acknowledge the child's generosity in offering. However, if they still refuse to purchase the treat, the child will grow frustrated, which leads directly into Anger. At first, the only way the child can express this anger is to pull a sour face, stomp his feet, and growl. But once that phase has passed, he decides a threat will represent his anger well enough.
The child will then proclaim, "I won't stop asking you until you get me a Butterfinger! Get me a Butterfinger! Please, please, please, get me a Butterfinger!"
By this time, the mom usually has the excuse of having finished the transaction, thereby making it all a moot point. She will most likely reprimand the child for his petulance, while gently explaining that it's time to go, and maybe he can get a treat next time if he behaves. In order to process this acute rejection, the child slowly reaches the final/first stage of Denial. He blocks the incident from his memory.
The child will then take his mother's hand and sigh, "I didn't really want a Butterfinger anyway."
The moral of the story is:
There is no moral. I'm just insane.
ha! love this. soooo accurate!
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