Snark

I think I need to learn how to be mean in a non-obvious way.  When it comes to a friend that has been hurt, there is no limit to my barbarism in dealing with the person who caused that hurt.  But in general, I'm not a mean person.  You can say pretty much whatever you want to me, and I will just shrug and move on.  So I pretty much have two modes: Fierce Protection Mode, and Meh Mode.

Sometimes, Fierce Protection Mode gets a little out of hand.  Particularly when BrownFriend is involved.  I am incredibly willing to sally forth to defend her.  In fact, if life was like Facebook, I would log in as her and block several people (mostly male people).  Since I cannot do that, I have to express my righteous anger in other ways.  When I did that most recently by calling her AlbinoEx and telling him off (quite effectively, I might add), PurpleFriend and her sister listened in to judge whether or not I was unduly mean.  PurpleFriend actually filmed the whole thing.

I was going to tell you that I should have thought that through more, but in all honesty, I don't regret it in the slightest.  Everything I said was just snarky enough to be offensive, and just sugary enough to be confusing.  And AlbinoEx totally deserved it, anyway.

Meh Mode has always worked really well for me.  Meh Mode means that I absorb your criticism, insult, or jibe with little to no outward irritation.  Meh Mode means that if I am actually hurt in some way by your un-subtle mean-ness, I won't tell you.  I'll call someone and vent about it.  Somehow, this method of response makes me seem like the "bigger person."  But if I'm bigger than you, it's probably because, like The Blob, I've assimilated your insults into my anger, and it grows larger with every derogatory advance.  Trust me, I am just as petty and easily affected as everyone else, I just have a low-key way of dealing with it.  I like to call that "tact."

However, Meh Mode is currently being challenged by a very worthy adversary.  Let's call her Coworker.  Coworker arrived a few months after I did at our current job assignment.  Coworker is not particularly apt in social environments.  You might think that's the pot calling the kettle black, since I have admitted outright that I am socially challenged.  The difference is that I am aware of my ineptitude, whereas Coworker is completely oblivious to the harm she causes.

Many of my colleagues took an immediate dislike to her, which in office-world means you're nice to her face, and then you gossip viciously about her behind her back.  This approach often causes violent soap-opera-esque meltdowns of the office's fragile social network.  However, despite the temptation to join them, I maintained an open mind about Coworker, determined not to act any more offensive than standoffish.  And I am just a standoffish person to begin with, so that worked out pretty well.

Somehow, of all the people in the office, the two people Coworker decided to loathe entirely were myself and our supervisor.  Since she came to the office, she has attempted at least twice to get both of us fired, separately.  As I did nothing to provoke an attack such as that, you can imagine my anger.

But, I maintained my standoffish demeanor, answering any question she had (and since the girl can't even save a document in Microsoft Excel, the questions were numerous), and replying when spoken to.  She has maintained a sickly sweet, I-secretly-hate-you-but-it's-not-really-much-of-a-secret demeanor with me.  It was pretty easy to ignore.

This week, however, our supervisor has been absent.  It's the holidays, and she is enjoying them with her family.  We poor hourly employees, however, must come in to work or get paid zilch.  What with my EMSLs and rent coming up, I kind of need money.  So I have been working.  And Coworker has been working too.

I think the combination of my lack of response to her subtle daggers of dislike, and the fact that our supervisor isn't here to keep an eye on her, proved too tempting for Coworker.  I didn't get the weather update, and the storm took me by surprise.

From commenting on my eating habits to shoving over a pile of documents headed for the shredder, Coworker's random acts of savagery have been more a temper tantrum than anything else.  However, it's clear she intends for me to take it personally, and I have.  But I'll be sent to the devil's gates before I let her know she's getting to me.

But there's good news.  Coworker is tone-deaf.  Just as she is oblivious to her social issues, she is also oblivious to the manifold flaws of her voice.  She often likes to "sing along" to the tracks on her iPod.  In addition to having no pitch, I was delighted to learn that Coworker also has zero volume control.  I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has noticed this.  And there are a lot of people who don't have a Meh Mode.

So sing on, sistah.  Sing on.